In Silence

I was wondering how I would end up tomorrow. Imagining things that are going to happen. Again, I’m alone. I bet some of my friends already had plans for tomorrow, which leaves me to: stay at home. It’s odd that when I finally had a medium for being happy, they had to take it  away from me, like a very bad person in rehab that didn’t really got over his addiction, I faltered. I guess reading does me no good, I stay out of focus and I intimidate myself, it’s awful. I hate my self for being so emotional.

Been trying so hard to cope up with my studies, I’m still hoping that I could get the first honorable mention, I sure wanted to rush things and pass them tomorrow but I’d be delayed so much that I’d get a failing grade in projects.
Sad. I’m still thinking he’d be ditching me tomorrow, he already had plans for so many stuff, and I’m so sure that as long as he’s happy, I’m no longer an essential on his part. Sad. I couldn’t tell how much pain it’s going to cause me again. So emotional, hating it. After Twilight-reading I found a shelter for my overwhelming emotions and so I thought everything was okay until yesterday; How evil do I thought of everything that drove me crazy; and now I’m driving my self mad. Obsession is killing me. I wish I could already get my hands on a Twilight Saga, oh the mouthwatering experience, and it would be just so perfect if it would hit on Christmas day.
So long for the thoughts of the childish, which is weird, weird as I am. Loser. Imperfect. Not so essential, where am I putting myself? Tragic. I call this tragic. Lost calculator. No plans for tomorrow. Unidentified feeling of loss for something I’m not quite sure I did own. Loser - I eventually repeat it - I was and am. Still.

Utterly meaningless, everything is meaningless [Ecclesiastes Ch.1]  weird how I turned to that point. Yes, everything is meaningless, I felt God’s grace over us last night, and I’m still feeling him today, how he well comforted me with this emotional state I’m having. Welcome to the world of the mediocre, population: me. I was so sure about having my own world that I included my alter-ego in it, ilegna. Pity. Now I’m stuck in my shameful world. Now how do I get outta this?

Inefficient. All my shots were good, but not best. It’s like I’m missing an essential. Why did I kept my self from being so strong, confident, right now when no one’s watching I feel sudden death towards me, though I know I’m usually safe at home. Hahaha.

Courage. I do know where I’d get that. Now the question is, “HOW DO I START?” I’m losing my self, and I don’t know who to blame, I guess I’m be blaming my self now, then blame alter-ego later. Emo, not so. Beautiful, maybe. Hahahaha.

Beautiful. Now I had to make my self smile. A celfone isn’t worth my day, so is a scold, no, I wouldn’t let anything ruin my life now. God knows I’m trying my best, but not REALLY trying though in my very best. It’s like I’ve surrendered everything, kahit na walang kalaban, and everything was stolen from me, but I’m not sure who took away my happiness. Blame it all on me again, then some for alter-ego. Hahaha. Let’s share the pain ilegna, besides, neither of us know how to fix this problem. None. No one. Or so I think no one does know.

Eclipse. This week I’ve decided to start reading the third rendition of the Twilight Saga, and congratulations for my early attempts on finishing it, I suddenly felt the need of time for my self. No time for my self, I skip meals for Twilight, I didn’t notice my family for the whole day for New Moon, and now I’m missing my existence for Eclipse, I hope it’s worth it at the end. I’m still not sure. When was I ever sure? I never was sure of my self. Hopeless. Reckless. STUPID. Stubborn. MORON. How do I get back to my self again, after a week maybe, I need to get over the saga, so I don’t disappoint my self. Give me four days - to finish this fight. Useless efforts. It’s like I aim for the ring but the ball rolls outside.

United. Widen vocabulary. Where was our team? What DID ever happened to that team? I hope it’s still stuck inside of us somehow. It hurts so much that no one cares anymore. How often do I hurt my self for the false hopes that maybe someday, somehow, the world will turn the way we’d like it to be, or just the way I’d LOVE it to be. Selfish. Too selfish indeed. And PATHETIC, now I found the best word to describe my self, I almost forgot, that I was: pathetic.

Poor. Out of financial tenure. Where do I go? No where. It’s like as the world suffer, I suffer, well, ALMOST every one suffer. I just tend to notice my self along the way, again what a selfish act. Dang, I almost forgot how lucky I am that I’m not the ones dying in Africa and India in hunger, how lucky I am that I’m not one of the victims of car crash, plane crash, sunken ships/boats, how lucky I am that I have parents, brothers and sisters and friends. What a reckless way to drive through my highway of life, here goes the words “my” and “I” again. Indeed again, as observant as I think I am, selfish.

Not thinking too much about tomorrow. If there is tomorrow. Yesternight, I wanted to die. But indeed that would just be plane SELFISH. Repeat: selfish. Oblivious. What happened to cheerfulness? Turned out I was completely DULL after all. Pain in the neck. What am I saying? I want to bring my self back to sanity. Help, I need help.

Bottom Line: Bring me to life, over again.

*No too concerned comments please. I like some help right now. Those who are interested in leaving me a message, please give an inspiring one. Not in the mood for blame right now. I am currently blaming my self, for something I don’t know. Hahaha. Insanely pathetic, I already told you. (As if there would be readers out there. I’m hoping.)