Rebuke
January 24, 2009 by thatconfusedgal
How long was I gone?
A while.
No, actually a very long while.
I can’t say I don’t regret making time pass. I went over to different places I thought would be memorable, meaningful and peaceful. I tried not to run and start to walk. I tried hard to make my self happy, I was, but not that happy. I even tried to be irresponsible and I tried to be selfless, but I forgot what mattered most — my part in the body of Christ. People are scared or somehow feel stupid when you talk about God, “Napaka-religious mo naman” “Praise the Lord!!!” they hurt, but honestly, I stand up for my faith — but I was lacking in action.
The sweetest thing my friends ever thought of me was that I was a potential leader. I could be making disciples by now, but I didn’t do it. I the past I was searching for my life, I thought serving didn’t matter - in church. I thought that what mattered most was my faith, by all means I tried to live my life simple, I was attending very seldom, I thought my existence and appearance in church was not so important. Not until my friend talked to me last night, she said what I’ve been doing was not so good. Literally, I’ve been very bad. :( I wasn’t taking things seriously, I hated my self too much, I tried to search for something in me, well, I should’ve asked God somehow, and I should have search it in Him.
Beyond stupidity, I tried to be good, but service? I don’t know. I thought I was doing well - I always thought I was - until last night. I guess not well enough.
A friendly rebuke, no, I’d take is a loving rebuke; I didn’t thought I mattered. I was human, imperfect, too many flaws, faulty, but I never thought I was useless, I was waiting for that, for someone to talk me into that. Something that would irrevocably CHANGE MY OUTLOOK IN LIFE. A year and six months ago, I was active, but now I need to be recharged again. Sabi ko, “God may mga tao palang hindi ko akalaing ganito ka-concerned sa’kin,” gusto ko nang umiyak kaya lang pinilit kong ‘wag kahit nag-iinit na ‘yung mga mata ko, “I never thought I seemed to be so important in their lives. I didn’t thought I MATTERED TO THEM. I didn’t thought of sharing my life with them. God I’ve been unfair to them, like I took them for granted talaga. And I was hurt knowing that I have eventually hurt them. Pero God mahal na mahal pala nila ako.”
I’m not going to mention who our topic was. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I’d rather hurt my self, blame my self, batter my self with shame than to hurt that person. I love that person — too much. Now I’m in total regret of what decision I made — I’m a coward.
Ang tanga ko, pinangunahan ko na naman si God. Nagmamagaling kasi ako e. Nakakaasar. I don’t want to promise anymore. I don’t want to hurt God anymore. I don’t want to hurt my self anymore. I don’t want to please anyone or myself. I want to please God. I don’t want to think of what they say or think of me. I don’t want to be selfish or stupid.
I love you Aleli and Iza. I miss you two — so much.
Thank you for always praying for me and for loving me.
Bottom Line:I was not forgotten.
