In Silence

Breaking me into small pocket size pieces.

This isn’t an issue. It’s not even argumentative. I’m just happy, that time. Rude, yes, weird, yes, painful, I guess, and heartbreaking… I can’t lose my patience with anyone; I can’t. It’s not nice and deceitful. I don’t want to break God’s heart. I don’t. Clearly, I see my self on the letting go process but then again they start shooting arrows at me, AGAIN.

It’s terrible. I’ve been over it. I AM OVER IT, but why?

The issues, keeps coming back to me. It’s all coming back to me now. Like I really shiver when I hear her voice, I can’t seem to look straight into her eyes when she’s staring at mine too. Creepy-slash-ridiculous. It’s been two and a half years for goodness’ sake, but I’m still struggling to fight with the trembling effect of her in me. Yes, I tremble. I ask God why this is - and I’m planning on confronting this fear - happening. It’s nothing, it’s WAY over. I want to LOVE her, like a sister, like a sister in Christ.

I think it’s not normal really. Having thought of her as a neighbor, a regular customer, a person but a friend? There the question lies, I’ve been over with Ara, I’ve been over the jealousy, I’ve been over EVERYTHING from the past - but now, it’s really STUPID that I STILL FEEL THIS. It gives me the chills - you know, the feeling of horror inflicted in movies, it gets you that feeling or compare it with the feeling that you broke something that your mom loves so much - you can tell when she gets in here, I feel that.

I think it’s unfair that I’m like this to her - I don’t even know if she knows a thing. But YES, I know. But I guess she got over it sooner than I thought. BUT AM I?

I want to TALK to her, like be FRIENDS with her, but there’s something wrong with me. God can you please help me with this? It’s just getting weirder and weirder the more I try to calm myself. It’s really FRUSTRATING?

Luscious, no it’s DISTURBING.

God I know you know about this, please - help me get over it. It’s BAD!
Bottom Line: Praying.